Why is Weesa lost?

Some of the blog posts I have written so far have been very easy to write. I have a topic on my mind that day and the words just flow out of my fingers. Today, I have a topic but I am struggling to put into words my thoughts and feelings about it. It could be because this topic sums up all of my internal struggles in a way. I named this blog Finding Weesa because on some level I knew this was at the core of my anxiety/mental health journey. So how/why/when/where did I get lost?

You often hear about young adults struggling to "find themselves." It is something young people do and then you go about your adult life happily ever after, confident that you found yourself and are living your true life. So if you are sitting there as a 40 something year old woman questioning if you even know who you are and what you want, you feel like a big, fat failure.

When I think about this topic, I struggle to get out my thoughts on this because there are so many conflicting things in my brain about this. I often feel like I am living my life for everyone else and not myself. I use the word "feel" because it is MY reality and what I feel and think in my head. I realize that the people in my life may not view this as a truth or may debate that my feelings are valid. My feelings are my feelings. Someone can debate the validity of them all day long but that doesn't change that they are MY feelings.

I'll list the questions my mind asks:

Is someone going to be worried if I do something?

• Will it inconvenience someone if I do something?

• Will I choose to do something wrong?

• Will someone be mad or hurt if I do something?

• Do I want to do it or does someone else want me to do it?

• Am I doing something to impress or relate to someone else?

• Do I want to do something because it is something someone else disagrees with?

• Am I doing something because I feel I should?

• Am I doing something to prove something to someone else?

There are probably more questions but these are the main ones. So obviously all of these questions involve someone else and not purely myself. Which makes me wonder sometimes if I even know what I want. Even when I am certain it is something I want to do, I have guilt over doing something for myself exclusively. I feel like people in my life can sense this and will make comments to try to make me feel like I should do something differently. That probably isn't true. Or at least I hope it isn't true because if it is; it is very manipulative and they should want me to do what I want in life. The problem is, so often people don't even realize how they are impacting others with their comments or words. It is just second nature to make these comments when someone is feeling afraid or threatened.

I feel like I try to live life being helpful and not being in the way or impacting anyone's time, space or happiness negatively. I don't ask for help because that is making someone take their time exclusively for me. If someone wants me for something on the other hand, I will sacrifice my comfort, time, etc. to be there and help out. This way of being leaves me feeling resentful sometimes. I shouldn't feel resentful, I should realize that I am not taking care of myself first to be there for others. It is ok to say no to something you don't want to do. It is also ok to do something that makes other people uncomfortable if it is what you want.

I have felt lost in other people's lives or hopes and dreams they have had about me or for me. The only time I feel like I am living for Weesa is when I am home alone. Having people in my life is important to me so I need to find Weesa and stand by what I want so that I can have the strength to be around others and enjoy life with them as opposed to spending so much time helping them to enjoy just their life.

Picture Notes: The duckling picture was taken moments after I broke my foot. I didn't realize it was broken at the time but despite almost fainting and being in quite a bit of pain, I played it off because I didn't want to ruin the day. I even tried to keep hiking after even though I couldn't talk when putting weight on the broken foot. A prime example of how Weesa will even deny an actual broken bone in order to not inconvenience or ruin someone else's day.