Out of Gas

When I first learned how to drive, my parents always said they would be there whenever I needed them...unless I ran out of gas. Their logic was that there is no excuse for running out of gas. You have a gas gauge in your car so you can tell when it is running low and when you need to refill so there should never be an excuse for running out of gas.

In many ways, I think I apply this mentality to myself as well. There should be no excuse for running out of gas...or energy if you will. You should show up. You should keep going. Nighttime is for refueling. You sleep and refuel and you get up and keep running and running and running. There are many problems with this line of thinking. First, sometimes people don't sleep well, even if they try. Second, sometimes there are many other physical factors that could effect your energy level throughout the day. Third...and this is going to be the focus of my post...the amount of energy you feel has a lot to do with your state of mind.

The inspiration to talk about this post is my current state of mind. I feel like I have zero energy. I wish I could trace this back to an overly busy lifestyle or a huge amount of stress that is weighing on my mind but honestly it is just in my head. Which makes me feel more lousy about feeling this way and therefore perpetuates this state of mind. I see people with a ton of responsibilities with seemingly endless energy to achieve and accomplish so much and just BE everywhere. I am not that person right now. Yet I have zero energy. My day to day zaps what little energy I feel I can draw from and then the cycle repeats and repeats and repeats until I feel drained and it impacts my relationships and other aspects of my life.

Ok, I know what you are thinking...Weesa that is called depression...perhaps you are right. I know that this has been covered on the interwebs and isn't a new concept but I want to discuss the level of depression that isn't stereotypical. The stereotypical type of depression is the person who can't get out of bed or leave their house. Maybe they cry all of the time. They certainly aren't holding down a job, juggling relationships, house work or any of the day in and day out human responsibilities. But depression, like most things, can come in different flavors and varieties.

It may not be obvious or follow a stereotype...it can be sneaky. For example, it can feel like you are running out of gas or have zero energy for one more thing. It FEELS physical like exhaustion or being drained but many times it is a mental thing...a funk if you will. Everyone has a different story but the sum of all of my parts from a personal perspective means that I feel like most people in my life are demanding something of me. I rarely feel like someone is doing something FOR me unless it is because they feel obligated or guilty for something I have done for them. So the demands can range anywhere from my time, experience, skills, intelligence, satisfying someone else's insecurities, fixing myself to not annoy others, change my personality, be quieter, be professional, be serious, be funny, make a decision for ME...not you, ME!, do this, do that, I'm overwhelmed help me!, be available for me, be nice, use proper manners, use proper grammar, communicate the way I want, don't communicate too much, don't do that it is dangerous and irresponsible, this makes me uncomfortable so change what you do, live this way, live that way, you can do that for yourself later...and on and on and on and on.

Now granted, I allow this. In many instances, I should walk away from these types of demands. But I'm a magnet for it. It's a part of my personality and make up and overall existence in this world. And in all honesty telling me that it is my fault that I deal with this in addition to feeling like I am responsible for all of those rambling demands in the prior paragraph just feels like one more demand...

I am getting up each day, going to work, taking care of things so it isn't what the stereotypical depression looks like. It's what some people would call high functioning depression...or for me, high functioning anxiety/depression. It doesn't outwardly cripple me. I try to actually mask this from people so they don't know I'm struggling inside. But it comes out it certain ways. Irritability, impatience, random nervous rambling, being easily distracted, snapping at people...my bitchiness is often a sign I'm struggling but most people don't jump to that. Most people are simple in what they see in others even though most people are complex in what is really going on in their head.

So if you can relate to any of this, how do you fix it? I don't have the answer to that. I'm certainly not going to tell you to just walk away and that it is your fault. I think anyone who deals with this type of stuff blames themselves deep down for putting up with this and that one more person pointing the finger and blaming will NOT be the thing that sends them towards healing.

So what am I doing to heal? Therapy...and writing about my experiences. I'm also getting better at identifying when I'm falling into that funk loop. I'm not going to heal overnight or be this perfect better human being immediately. But I have gotten better at recognizing the patterns and behavior and at recognizing how I retaliate to these things. I think in so many instances these things just happen and you don't really sit with them and think about why you did or said something...or felt something. We are all programmed to just push things down and carry on. In many instances, behaviors or things that you do in response to stress or anxiety or situations are chalked up to personality...and that could be partially true. For example, I ramble and say nonsense words or do something silly when the anxiety energy ramps up...others may turn violent or angry. So our reaction to stressors is personality perhaps but the behaviors are often caused by other factors.

So look at yourself and try to identify one way in which a bad or unpleasant behavior comes out and ask yourself...how am I struggling?