Feelings First

I think it is possible that I live my life based on other people's feelings. Not my own. I spend much of my time striving to do something, say something or act a certain way based on how I think it will make someone else feel. Will this make someone mad...will this make someone sad...and on and on and on. This is my first blog post because this is the topic that was a lightbulb moment for me. Of course there are many qualities about myself that paint the picture of Weesa. My tendency to live my life based on the feelings of others doesn't completely define me. I do believe however that this quality is not serving me and that exploring this quality is important.

What I have found during my journey about the inner workings of Weesa is that I am both simple and complex. Simple in that, once you find out why you do something the way you do, it seems so obvious. Complex in that it sometimes takes you a long time to find that thing and even when you do, things aren't instantly better.

My self exploration journey started with anxiety. Anxious thoughts, feelings...an overall sense of dread and guilt and just ickiness. I decided I didn't want to feel like this anymore. It's not fun. So I started therapy at the beginning of 2020. Great timing for Weesa eh? Two sessions in and the world shut down with the promise that we would start back up with sessions in a month or two. That obviously derailed my journey but in the fall of 2021, I started up the therapy process again. I think the best part of therapy so far for me personally has just been the time for myself that it gives me. It gives me time to just talk about things on my mind. Selfish time so to speak. I don't give myself selfish time or I guess I do indirectly but then I feel guilty about it. This has been a guilt free time I gave myself during therapy. The other side effect for me was just that my mind opened to other ideas about why I did what I did. What makes Weesa tick? I started this blog to document some of the ideas I have explored and some of the thoughts I have had during the process. You may not be able to relate to anything in this blog and that is ok. This is my personal journey and documenting it is a way to express what is inside...I also hope it will help me to find Weesa.

So back to where I started this post. Living to make other people happy or living for other people's feelings. The thing about living for other people's feelings is that you have zero control over what someone else feels. You can only control your own feelings. When someone insults you and you get offended...that is YOU getting offended. It has nothing to do with the other person. They may feel nothing after insulting you. If you make someone sad or hurt with your comments. That has nothing to do with you either. That is THEIR interpretation of the situation and THEIR feelings. I struggle with remembering this because I feel like if I have made someone upset, sad or hurt, that is my fault. However, I am not the type of person who goes around hurting people for sport. So if I hurt someone's feelings, that doesn't automatically mean I am a bad person and I must feel guilt for the rest of my life about it!

Meanwhile, I often ignore my own feelings. If I do live for my feelings or what I feel is right, I feel extreme guilt over that. This practice has fueled my anxiety and has made me feel real shitty. So the topic...feelings first. A reminder to myself to live for my feelings first. Not for everyone else's. As long as I am kind to others and respectful, I shouldn't feel guilt for living for my feelings first...and neither should you.